This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My liver just had a heart attack.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
