when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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