Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
