I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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