I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
