nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
