how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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