Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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