If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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