I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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