I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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