I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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