Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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