I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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