nut hugger
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize