Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So. Much. Porn.
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