This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
