Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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