I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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