i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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