i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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