nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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