MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
