He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
