I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
