You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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