Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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