my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
