I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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