Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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