the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
