the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
