also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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