The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
