when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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