i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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