I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
