I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
