Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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