If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
