Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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