Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize