My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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