she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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