nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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