R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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