So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
