Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize