I CAN MOONWALK!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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