woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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