Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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