i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i used baking grease as lip gloss
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
