I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
