My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
