apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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