My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
