i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
