somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
They took my balls.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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