Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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